Wednesday Blues

I feel really Hollow today- I was able to sleep in till 9am - I went to Maverick for breakfast and then went to visit the Thomas family- they were at the tennis courts- little Ani and Cora taking tennis lessons- they looked so cute in their little tennis skirts- learning to hit the ball. Ani had to show me her surprise when we arrived at their home up in the playroom they had transformed into a sleepover party room. It is so darling. She had six hot pink Indian TP tents with stars lights framed around each one- they each have a blow up mat to sleep on- with a hot pink Cheetah blanket and cheetah pajamas for each of them and they have a hot pink cheetah swimsuit to swim in -Natasha set up a movie screen that comes across the entire room so they can watch a movie in they’re little TP tents and have their birthday celebration with a snack bar- Ani is celebrating her birthday early again this year as they will be at lake Powell on the 14th of July- they have a busy summer schedule- their leaving in the morning to stay with some friends who have a home at a private lake for the night and day- coming back Friday for Ani’s birthday celebration starting at 5pm- Saturday afternoon Natasha is hosting a Father’s Day family gather for all of Bridger's family- She is leaving on the 26th to Nashville Tennessee for 3 three days for a pop up sale event hosted by Ivy City- and then on the 29th flying out to Fishlake Montana for a week over the 4th of July- they barely arrive home and off to Lake Powell- they have invited us to Montana for the week along with the Towner family flying in to spend the week with us- it will be a new experience for Craig and I we have never been to Montana it is about an 8 hour drive for us- I enjoyed helping Ani blow up balloon to decorate her party room and visit with Natasha for a bit- I watched little Coco play in their swimming pool. It has been 90 degrees here in the Salt lake valley and a little cloud cover so it felt nice to be outside in the fresh air. Natasha and Bridger are both so busy- Natasha was bouncing multiple balls so speak in the air at the same time. Getting ready for Ani’s party, the painters in the house doing touch up, the house cleaners at the house and the kids running around, Ani is very demanding for her time and attention- she didn’t have time for me- she had to fix them lunch and then off to take Ani to Cheer lessons- it was a short visit. I wanted to visit but no time slot with Natasha- she has a full plate. I left feelings unfulfilled right now- she off doing exciting things with her family and friends- I can see my season has passed- I’m left alone with not much going on in my life- with out Craig and our church calling- it is rather boring- I needed a break from Craig he has stressed me out with all his aches and pains and caring for him. I’m just left feeling empty right now- welcome to our older years- I know I’m slowing down physically I feel it too! My lower back has been very achey today. I picked up some Taco Bell for lunch and came home to take a nap! Karlee arrived from the lake staying here at our Draper home for a few days. Her boyfriend Rett is arriving tomorrow night and they planned to spend a few days together. He’s been in Costa Rica for a month selling solar systems. It’s Father’s Day weekend on Sunday June 15th- it’s hard for me to plan anything when Craig has to be at church - our meetings not till 5pm- we can’t go anywhere- and none of our family has plans to come up for the weekend- we just had the Burbidge family at the lake for a week. I don’t know what to do- I’m beaten down right now and not happy with Craig’s behavior towards me on our Anniversary on Saturday. I thought our retirement years would be more fun traveling some and seeing more of the world Here we are -our prime years passed by- it is going on 10 years and we have spent all our time at the lake- we have only gone on one big trip- when we did our own church history tour in 2018- that was 7 years ago- we went to California a few times to visit Stacy and her family and to Arizona with Mcdougal’s twice which I’m not doing that again- low budget trips- I did enjoy our time in St George before Craig was called to the YSA- staying at Natasha new home, but came to an end- I’m just feeling a huge void in my life again -what to do with myself? Craig and I spending all our time together- I have no girlfriends- to do anything with him - he has plenty of outlets goes golfing with friends and plays Pickelball the one thing we could do together- I have tired to learn and play - but Craig really hurt my feelings when he takes off and plays with others and does not invite me- I feel I have committed all my time to him and I have not nurture anything outside of our relationship- I’m left feeling alone - and what on earth do I do with myself- my girls are all busy with their families and friends-I’m being pushed further out with no social outlets- it’s so hard I have immersed my life in my family and now I’m left alone more and more- they don’t want to get together as extended family- so it’s hard to plan a family party any more-so up coming Father’s Day is a disappointment to me- nothing to look forward to- depression setting in even more as I’m trying to pull myself out of my deep hole-